Karin is 59 year old lover of all things nature. She finds joy in Stargazing, moon dancing, gardening, foraging, good food, reading, solitude and balance. She believes that at times great friends and deep conversations are the right medicine.

She is in Ontario, Canada, and a teacher on Long Term Disability for Complex PTSD. Teaching was more a calling to Karin than a profession, she taught French and the Sciences.

You can contact Karin: Email weiss.karin@gmail.com

Instagram @weisskarin

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“Someone I loved

Once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

That this too, was a gift”

Mary Oliver

I was born in the mid-1960s in Germany to two war children.

By the age of 6, I found myself in all kinds of medical tests and experiments in order to determine how to detect, then fix my daily migraines.

Nobody asked me any questions. Nobody asked why I suffered so much. Nobody wanted to know that I was unsafe. Everyone just wanted to fix this body that seemed to not be affected by the environment it lives and needs to survive in. My body was treated like a malfunctioning machine.

This was just the beginning of a life and society that made no sense to me.

Once I left behind the place in which I grew up, I found a people, culture and society that made even less sense. I quickly lost myself just trying to survive within this asylum called life. I adjusted, tried to fit in, and abandoned myself for a few experiences of gratification and distraction. I took on a personality: a mask. My eyes, mind and heart were silenced. I began to buy into this crazy way of chasing the money, gave into the comfort and securities promised. I gave into all societal restrictions and expectations. I bought into the quick fixes of our pharmaceutical industry.

My focus now was not on living, but on making a living.

At the age of 45 I suffered a mental breakdown.

Since then I have been on Long Term Disability leave, as a teacher, for Complex PTSD - childhood trauma.

It was finally time to stop running. My body was in physical agony and my mind went into a deep depression. The feeling of being a victim of life intensified. Since I could only trust my five senses, I needed to always think and control, always anticipating worst case scenarios.

I married my partner in 2007 who was as deeply co-dependent as I was. We filled each other’s voids. While I hid out only indoors or in nature, he would do all the shopping, protecting and cooking. I, in turn, organized his life. I began to avoid any situations or events that could fill me with fear or anxiety. He did the same.  This way, we both created our own kind of hell.

I kept on searching for meaning. I read 5 books a week, and searched for people from who I could learn.

The big change for me happened when I found the writings and teachings of Dr. Gabor Mate (The Myth of Normal is his most recent work and the book I suggest everyone to read. Earlier works are Scattered Minds, In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost, When the Body says No, Hold on to your Kids). Until then, Trauma therapy didn’t make much sense to me. I also had become dependent on medications and narcotics that offered no healing, only a mask for illness.

I learned that the only way to regain self was through accountability, responsibility and authenticity.

I followed all his online courses. Just like a puzzle, this was the first piece of a picture of light and, peace. Finally, somebody actually made sense!

The journey would take me another 4 years, through several sacred medicine circles (Psilocybin, Kambo) and many more teachers, including my son and daughter in law, until I would find healing and a peaceful heart.

The only way out was through.

I needed to stop running from my fears, despite the intense feelings of panic and certain death. My breath became my closest friend. I faced my feelings, the residues of a life of trauma, the results of abandoning myself too many times and looked it all straight in the eyes and said “Yes, it did happen! Now it is time to let it go”. It was extremely challenging work. During these times, somatic exercises were extremely helpful.

I began to remember what a rich, beautiful, inner life I used to have: a time where I felt peaceful.

Listening, also called meditation, became a daily practice. During these times, it felt like nothing mattered and I was safe within my heart, held by love.

I also began to like, then love myself. Today, I am extremely proud of who I am and how I continue to contribute to a better society, a better way of living:  A place in which it is normal to have difficult conversations. A place of community, cooperation, self-sufficiency, self-reliance, authenticity, independence and hard work. A place where my heart can feel peaceful. A place one could, one day, call Home. 

My dream is a society that chooses healing over addiction, where I can choose Nature and myself over society.

I began running my own errands, going out to places alone, taking trips alone. I began to regain a notion of self. Doing what I feared most was needed in order to break through the many barriers of fear. I still face fear on a regular basis, yet my response to fear has changed. It feels exhilarating taking my power back. At the same time, my 18 year marriage ended last May along with several friendships.

I have learned that with every door that ever closes, there will be many more that open. I am looking now at everything that is possible for the first time in my life. I am beyond excited to continue exploring my heart, within as well as without, with these new eyes of mine. I will no longer betray what is within. I will see all the beauty without. I will live an authentic life, a rich life, a life of peace.

I am free to be me. Free to just be.

Dr. Mate is right when he says to people walking the path of healing: “You are who you have been waiting for all your life.”

“I know life has to be lived forward,

But it only makes sense backwards.”

Soren Kierkegaard, 19th century Danish Philosopher