The Pursuit of the Self Unleashed

The Pursuit of the Self Unleashed

Do many of us actively try to figure out who we are? I have no idea. Do you? I would love to know. All I know about is my own experiences and my relentless and massive appetite for understanding myself and those whom I am closest to. This hunger came about in my twenties after the sudden loss of a loved one. I went in search of a faith to cling on to so I would not drown in grief. I saw others leaning on their own faith, religion or belief. I went in search of my own, which in time lead me to the pursuit of knowing myself. My real authentic self.

I based the spiritual experiences and the search for a faith, of the main character Lucy, in my novel The Lotus and the Tiger on my own. Below is an excerpt from my novel when I was learning about Buddhism and meditation on a retreat with the Dublin Buddhist Centre (DBC) https://dublinbuddhistcentre.org/ I discovered Vajrayogini. She is a female Buddhist deity who represents freedom and inspiration!

Vajrayogini - freedom and inspiration embodied!

‘I arrived at a large old farmhouse in Navan. The walls inside were painted white and the exposed beams were varnished dark brown. I felt the energy from all the previous retreats. Deep relaxation seeped into the walls over the years and wrapped me up in a gentle calming energy once I was inside.

I shared a dorm with five other females. Our bunk beds were tiny, cosy sleeping cocoons. The males had the same in their room. The coldness of the old house felt fresh and invigorating. It kept me awake too during teachings and the group meditations.

As I learned about Buddhism I understood that people are all born naturally Buddhist. We start out compassionate and believing the best in others and ourselves. Babies are calm and in the moment.

I have come to believe that life distracts people away from this: our true nature. Meditating, attempting to be mindful and trying to apply some of the Buddhist teachings, especially compassion can bring people back to that, including myself.

I can easily practice being mindful in any moment when I remember to do so. I have come to enjoy meditation, but my busy mind loves a good wander too.

I liked the Buddhist way of life they were teaching us about on the retreat. I am not saying I changed at that time. I did not. I became aware of what I needed to learn and how to do it. To become who I wanted to be. My best self.

I stored that information in my back pocket, and it really helped me later on. The Buddhist way of life seems like a good map for living a good life. If you follow the principles that it sets out, it creates fresh and clean living in mind, body, spirit, and also actions.

I knew I could meditate until I levitated but if I then drank ten pints of cider, did the dirty on my boyfriend and got sick on myself that was not going to take me into a mindful or wholehearted way of life.

I strived to find a place somewhere between the Buddhist and the boozer. Somewhere safe and sustainable. I knew I was never going to be super pure or even to be able to practice total self-discipline.

Paula once told me she did a ten-day retreat in India with an unopened packet of biscuits in her room and she did not eat them. I would not last ten minutes in a room with any packet of biscuits. I admired her discipline. I knew I was not transforming into a Buddhist ever. I was hoping to chill my mind out.

While on the retreat I found my meditation was regularly interrupted by thoughts of wondering where Charlie was and what he was up to. I missed him. I would have loved to text him if phones were not prohibited.

There was a period of silence for two days. We meditated, cooked dinner, ate and washed up together silently. We shared the dormitory bunks without making a peep.

I even took a country walk with three others and a random dog in silence. At the very beginning it was like one giant long extended awkward silence. That wore off and once I got used to being quiet, I enjoyed the break. I was even sad when the silence part of the retreat ended. It was a refreshing relief not having to communicate as much.

I have always been so talkative. I learned I need to be quiet too and process all the information and experiences coming at me and my senses. That was a good discovery for me. I am an introvert who does well at masquerading as an extrovert because I love people and their company.

I was still using masks at that time to reflect whatever face I thought the other person or people wanted to see or would approve of. That took a lot of energy out of me on a number of levels. I tend to need a period of processing and recovery after being with people to replenish.

There were hours of meditation daily. On the second last day we meditated for four hours. I still cannot comprehend how I sat still for that long. I was finding a deep sense of inner peace and managing to actually meditate.

I found out it was not about eliminating thoughts but extending the periods of quiet and calm between them. We did the Metta Bhavana meditation, whereby we sent loving kindness to ourselves for five minutes and then to a good friend.

Next, we sent loving kindness to someone we barely knew and then someone we found difficult. Then finally to all of them together. It was beautiful and I felt refreshed after days of being in the country relaxing. It was wonderful that my mind got a chance to rest.

After the Metta Bhavana meditation that evening, we were given a period for free meditation. We all sat together again. This time we were directed to witness our mind and watch the thoughts go through it like clouds.

After a short meditation, in my mind I saw a vastly expansive starry sky. Then I saw myself. I was red, yes red, and flying through the sky. It was like I could see the universe and it was three-dimensional. I flew to the edge of the universe, as it were, and it became two dimensional.

I saw myself pulling back the corner of the black star-studded universe sky. It looked like I was peeling the corner of a painting back. Then I was jolted back to reality. What an unbelievable experience it was.

I heard of blissful visualizations during meditation. This never happened me before and I had not been striving for it. Over dinner I mentioned it to two other people. They did not comment, possibly they thought I was going a bit crazy. I was fascinated and invigorated by the experience.

That evening we all sat by the fire for the nightly teachings from the leaders. They told us about ‘Vajrayogini, the goddess of freedom and inspiration inspired.’

They described her as ‘A red female figure flying through the sky.’

I was gob smacked.’  

From The Lotus and the Tiger (2021) by Lizzy Shortall

I knew this experience was significant, even if I was not sure how. Not long after I travelled to Thailand alone and while in the middle of the madness, that is Bangkok, I bought the beautiful postcard pictured below.  

On return from that trip I wrote Vajrayogini – Freedom & Inspiration Embodied on the front of postcard.

I wrote this Buddhist teaching from the DBC on the back before I framed it:

If we visualize an image of that quintessential spirit, we would begin with the image of space or the image of the usual way we perceive space: the sky, infinite in extent, deep blue in colour and perfectly pure. In the midst of this, there would be a figure flying through the sky. It is a naked, red female figure. There is a smile on her lips, her face is uplifted in ecstasy – ‘lady of space’- embodiment of the spiritual energy of Buddha- dakine. She is free to fly north, south, east or west in absolutely any direction she wants. She is also free to remain still. She enjoys the liberty of infinite space and the taste of freedom.

I think was inviting her energy to stay with me. I wanted to be free and to feel inspired. At that time I had no idea what that would look life for me or how to make that happen, but over the following years I have learned.

Unleashed

Recently while reading a passage called The Howl: Resurrection of the Wild Woman I came across these words and the resonated so strongly.

‘This is our meditation practice as women, calling back the dead and dismembered aspects of ourselves, calling back the dead and dismembered aspects of life itself.’  From Women Who Run with the Wolves (1992) by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

Estes talks about being feral and how ferality, or lack of, and addiction are related. How some of us are only truly free in utero and most women, (and in my opinion men too) have been captured in some sort of addiction for at least a brief or sometimes long periods of time. During that time they lose varying amounts of instinct, to sense who is a good person, to not be led astray, to react to injustice. The instinct for fight or flight can disappear and they become victimised. She states how a woman in her ‘right wildish mind’ will reject convention when it is neither nurturing nor sensible.

Around that time I decided to stop binge drinking. A very wise and spiritual man advised me to ‘be yourself strongly and happily.’ To do that I had to know who I was first.  I had find my own ‘right wildish mind’ again after I been a chameleon for so long, transforming into whatever I believed the people I was with needed me to be. I was unsure where I was to be found. 

There were so many elements of myself and emotions related to various experiences that I had suppressed over the years.  I was afraid of how wild I would be if I unleashed these feelings. But that is exactly what I needed to do. I had to unleash myself. I describe it in my novel like this;

‘For the next while I avoided all drinking situations. I tried to stop on my own, again. It was hard to figure out how to make myself feel a bit better.

I started to listen to spiritual and inspirational speakers online. I put their quotes around the place. They all essentially said the same thing: Do not drink, learn to love yourself, be aware of negative thoughts that lead to unhealthy behaviour such as alcohol addiction.

I repeatedly reminded myself: watch your thoughts and do not get attached to them. I put ‘Just watch’ on a post-it on my mirror. This was to remind me my mind was the sky, and my thoughts were clouds to watch them as they go by and to just observe them. Be like Buddha.

I liked the sound of being a chilled out character relaxing under a tree. This was easier said than done. I was a long way from being there.

I had acquired some new unwelcome companions. Three extremely wild huskies accompanied me everywhere I went. They were untamable. I still had Mam’s Misery, but now these three huskies were with me too. I was permanently walking them and attached to their leads while they pulled me in every different direction, simultaneously.

I named them: Fear, Sadness, and Anxiety. I tried to tame them by walking them along the seafront at every opportunity, listening to ‘Revelate’ by The Frames. They had to be trained to calm down. I did not know how, except to change my environment again.’ 

From The Lotus and the Tiger (2021) by Lizzy Shortall

Are you in your ‘right wildish mind’?

I was full of fear that if I untamed these huskies they would be wild and reckless. After being muzzled for so long, they needed to howl and run free. The challenge was to find the balance. I wanted to exist in a place that was neither reckless nor muzzled, to free the huskies and to let them come and go as they pleased. Offering them acceptance, love and even some compassion. Let them be their wild selves. The self needs the freedom to move, express, be angry, create to be authentic.

‘Although some might really prefer that you behave yourself and not climb all over the furniture in joy or all over people in welcome, do it anyway. Some will draw back from you in fear or disgust….Some people will not like it if you take a sniff at everything to see what it is. And for heaven’s sakes, no lying on your back with your feet up in the air, Bad girl. Bad wolf. Bad dog. Right? Wrong. Go ahead. Enjoy yourself…we are in the “becoming” stage of transformation.

Like the dry bones, we so often start out in a desert. We feel disenfranchised, alienated, not connected to even a cactus clump…Life in the desert is small but brilliant and most

t of what occurs goes on underground. This is like the lives of many woman.’  From Women Who Run with the Wolves (1992) by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

Isn’t this true of women and indeed men? We only show a tiny fraction of what is going on underneath. Recently I have been talking with people about what it is like to feel disenfranchised.

What it is like to feel disenfranchised?

It’s like drowning in a sea of sorrow and no one even knows you went into the water. It is when there is grief, but the loss and sorrow is hidden or unrecognised. For example when a person is parted from their family of origin. The family are still alive, but for you it is as if they have all died. You are distraught and you are grieving them. Except with no support or understanding as usually no one knows what you are experiencing. 

This, in my opinion, is because it is one massive remaining taboo of our time is to admit to be ostracized or to be estranged from your parents and siblings. People are often too ashamed, too hurt or feel too vulnerable to share it with others.

Another example is when in the past a parent relinquished a child for adoption they may experience this type of disenfranchised grief that is not necessarily recognised. Again they are grieving for someone who is alive but lost to them. (This topic could be a whole other blog).

Since my novel was published many people have shared with me privately, that ostracism and estrangement, is a form of disenfranchised grief that adds to the feeling of isolation, hurt, sadness, pain and feeling like they are losing their minds.  

When in fact usually those people who have survived ostracism, estrangement, unseen loss or any type of disenfranchisement are most likely the sanest and the most in their right wildish mind that they have ever been!

If you have any thoughts, comments or questions I would love to hear from you. I’m on all social media platforms you can find me easily on them via my website. www.themindfulplayground.com